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Dear Mr. President


Dear Mr. President...

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and, of course, Juanita Broaddrick, who told NBC that you raped her. Are there any others that we should know about?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8-year-old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until he was about 10 or so to discuss it with him, but now he knows more about it than I did as a senior in college. The cigar thing was also neat for the kids.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "IS" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex. Monica said frequently while you were on the phone, she would work at one end, and you at the other. What productivity!

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag The Dog" could be plausible after all. The people of the Sudan, Afghanistan and Serbia are all running to rent the video, now that you made them part of the story.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 72 House and Senate witnesses who have pleaded the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democrat campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonments from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.

8. Thanks for remembering the families of many deceased people who once were your friends, who served you and died so young and suddenly: Vince Foster, Jerry Parks, Ron Brown, Admiral Boorda, Les Aspin, Barbara Alice Wiese, Mary Mahoney, Jim McDougal et al.

9. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and for providing no real missile defense system for the American people. Thank you for sharing with our Chinese friends all of our nuclear weapon designs, the supercomputer technology to build such weapons, the ballistic missile technology so they can have more accurate missiles, and the encryption technology so they can keep it all secret too.

10. You are amazing visiting all those countries! Thank you for flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips. It's wonderful, too, how you have surpassed every other president in the size of your entourage on these trips: 75 jumbo jets, 2000 guests to China alone. Your Africa entourage also was remarkable and it was nice of you to bring Betty Currie. She needed a break from testifying before the grand jury.

Please give my regards to Hillary, when/if you see her. Tell her I'm working on a "Thank You" letter for her.



Looking forward to January 2001,

Average Joe