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In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
On military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel
On a bar:
Our customers enter optimistically and leave misty optically.
In an appliance store window:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.
In a clothing store:
Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks
In the window of a general store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here?
In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends
On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak
On a Tennessee highway:
Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
Sign in a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
Outside a farm:
Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag 20p do-it-yourself
In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco:
Smart's is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome
Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with litter, louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of
Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
Auto Body Shop:
May we have the next dents?
Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Pleased to meat you.
Let me meat your needs.
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Out for a quick byte
Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Drive carefully, we'll wait.
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
"Help!" We need inn - experienced people.
Maternity Clothes Shop:
We are open on labor day.
No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Bach in a minuet.
If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Front Door:
Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
On a Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push"
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
"Buy one Dog, get one Flea."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Time wounds all heels.
Sign in an office:
We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Sign on Fence:
Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Sign on an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.
We really know our stuff.
The Electric Company:
We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
On a button worn by a nurse in a maternity ward:
"You labor, we deliver."
On the door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Let us help you pick your nose."
Used Car Lot:
Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Veterinarians waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!