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Silly Signs

(Due to Silly People)

In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

On military bases:
Restricted to unauthorized personnel

On a bar:
Our customers enter optimistically and leave misty optically.

In an appliance store window:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work.

In a clothing store:
Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

In the window of a general store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here?

In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends

On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak

On a Tennessee highway:
Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

Sign in a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken

Outside a farm:
Horse manure 50p per pre-packed bag 20p do-it-yourself

In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco:
Smart's is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome

Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with litter, louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of

Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is

Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below

Auto Body Shop:
May we have the next dents?

Beauty Shop:
Dye now!

Bowling Alley:
Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Butcher's Window:
Pleased to meat you.

Butcher's window:
Let me meat your needs.

Cafeteria:
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Computer Store:
Out for a quick byte

Diner Window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Funeral Home:
Drive carefully, we'll wait.

Garbage Truck:
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hotel:
"Help!" We need inn - experienced people.

Maternity Clothes Shop:
We are open on labor day.

Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Music Library:
Bach in a minuet.

Non-smoking area:
If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Front Door:
Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

On a Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push"

Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pet Store:
"Buy one Dog, get one Flea."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Podiatrist's Window:
Time wounds all heels.

Scientist's Door:
Gone Fission

Sign in an office:
We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Sign on Fence:
Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Sign on an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.

Taxidermist Window:
We really know our stuff.

The Electric Company:
We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

On a button worn by a nurse in a maternity ward:
"You labor, we deliver."

On the door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Let us help you pick your nose."

Used Car Lot:
Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Veterinarians waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!