RIP-Factor
StarCrap
RIP-Factor
Mike Golden Spoofs
<< PREV NEXT >>
WRITTEN BY: Mike Golden
TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE: Karl Stahmer
INTRO BY: joesmaname
The Deadly Years
. .
. Captain's Log. Stardate: 2468.0. When you're young you never think about growing old. You think summer will last forever. .
BZZZZZSSSSSHHHHH "It's just a jump to the left then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips."
"Jump to the left."
"Dear God! I've seen countless crew members die but I'm still frightened by a dead body."
"Can your medical tricorder tell us who he is, Bones?"
"My tricorder just says he's an old fart. If you want I'll add that to my medical logs."
"I'm 85 but my wife says she's 27."

Yeah, sure, lady. You've been telling that one longer than that.
"Hey, cutie. Want me to roll over so you can take my temperature?"
"Would the person rubbing my leg
with their foot please stop so we can get down to business?"
"It's all so tragic."

She always had that look on her face. Like a cross between sympathy and a dead cat.
"Well, maybe you'd like to look for yourself."
"Now, boys. If you don't play nice I'll have to send you to your rooms." "Uh oh. I think I missed a hair."


Yeah, I shaved my chest just to fit in with my friends. I just wish they'd told me that was all I had to shave.
"How does that feel?"
"How does WHAT feel?"

Good ole Bones. Always had the best stuff. That's probably why we were always such good friends.
"Captain, I need more power." "Now that we're old, Jim, I expect to see you once a week for a warm water enema." "Can we make it twice a week?"
"Jim, we need to talk. I think it's time you tried a stronger denture adhesive." "I am so-o-o-o-o turned on right now. I think it runs in my family. My great-great-great-great-grandmother was Anna Nicole Smith."

Looking back, I should have jumped her then and there. Knowing my luck, I would have ended up with a hernia.
"Arr! Whar be the gold?"
"If you don't quieten down, young man, I'll send you to bed without your supper."

Did that come out of me? When did I turn into my father?
"Uh oh. My laxative is kicking in." "I borrowed this device from Nurse Chapel. My hopes were to help keep our memories fresh."
"Hmm. It appears to be some sort of old-fashioned radio."

It was then I realized that Bones might be losing it.
"What are you doing, Bones?" "Don't bother me, Jim. This may be the only sex I'll be getting for awhile." "Nurse! Could somebody change my Depends?"
"Shh! Just lie still. Somebody will be around in a day or two." "I think we've found a cure for aging. It's an old Earth drink called Diet Coke." "Diet Coke will never touch my lips. Give me a Pepsi."
"I'm back and I'm young and virile again."
"I think you forgot to change your pants, sir."
"And how are WE today?"
"Excuse me. They don't talk. I'm up here."

So, now we're young again. One thing I learned was you have to have friends.
Crimson flames tied through my ears
Rollin' high and mighty traps
Pounced with fire on flaming roads
Using ideas as my maps
"We'll meet on edges, soon," said I
Proud 'neath heated brow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth
"Rip down all hate," I screamed
Lies that life is black and white
Spoke from my skull. I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers
Foundationed deep, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Girls' faces formed the forward path
From phony jealousy
To memorizing politics
Of ancient history
Flung down by corpse evangelists
Unthought of, though, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

A self-ordained professor's tongue
Too serious to fool
Spouted out that liberty
Is just equality in school
"Equality," I spoke the word
As if a wedding vow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
Good and bad, I define these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.