RIP-Factor
StarCrap
RIP-Factor
Mike Golden Spoofs
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WRITTEN BY: Mike Golden
TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE: Karl Stahmer
INTRO BY: joesmaname
The Way to Eden
"Alien ship on screen." "Man, that thing is weird looking." "And scary, too."
"Were I human, I would tend to agree, Lt. Uhura." "I can't handle it anymore. Blow it out of the sky."
"Cap'n, ya gotta see it to believe it." "We hear the words of Pink." "First thing you're going to do, young man, is get a haircut."
"Blah, blah, blah."
"I hear the words of Pink." "Are you a Floydian?" "I heard the call long ago."
"I didn't want to talk to that bunch of dirty space hippies, anyway." "It's disgraceful the way you bear your navel in public. Have you no shame?"
"The human body is beautiful. Show your navel and be free."
"Hey, you can't empound our weed. That's personal property."
"I've always been mad, I know I've been mad. Like the most of us have. They have to explain why you are mad. Even if you're not mad." "Us and them
and, after all, we're only ordinary men.
"
"The lunatics are in my hall."
"Lady, are you sure this is good stuff?"
"The best."
"Your friends are revolting." "Yip, I told ole Bubba, I says 'y'all cain't be messin' 'round with that thar Starfleet bunch. They's crazy'."::patooie:: "Fascinating. Jim, do you realize your left eye is twitching? I've never seen that before."
"That I've seen."
"Something, isn't it?"
"You play? Far out. You have to jam with us later." "It would be my pleasure."
"Well, hot patootie, bless my soul. We're going to kick out some rock
and roll."
"Could you come back later? Your navel is distracting me from my work." "Looking at it is making me want to drink beer and smoke cigarettes and give in to my natural urges."
"Go for it."
"That's cute." "People say I'm no good and crazy as a loon
'cause I get stoned in the morning, I get drunk in the afternoon.
Kind of like my old blue tick hound I like to lay around in the shade.
And I ain't got no money but I damn sure got it made. . .
"
"'Cause I ain't asking nobody for nothing if I can't get it on my own.
If you don't like the way I'm living you just leave this long-haired country boy alone.
"
"Preacherman talking on TV putting down the rock and roll.
Wants me to send a donation 'cause he's worried about my soul.
He said, 'Jesus walked on the water' and I know that it's true.
But, sometimes I think that preacherman would like to do a little walking, too.
"
"But, I ain't asking nobody for nothing if I can't get it on my own.
If you don't like the way I'm living you just leave this long-haired country boy alone.
"
"A poor girl wants to marry and a
rich girl wants to flirt.
A rich man goes to college, a poor
man goes to work.
A drunkard wants another drink of wine and a politician wants your vote.
I don't want much of nothing at all but I will take another toke.
"
"But, I ain't asking nobody for nothing if I can't get it on my own.
If you don't like the way I'm living you just leave this long-haired country boy alone.
"
"Me and my buddy got us a wild hair
and figured we wanted to go somewhere
so we loaded up my ragtop chevrolet.
We had a little bit of money and a whole lot of show
and with Hank jr. blaring on the radio
we got a tank full of gas and we was on our way.

We figured we'd go down to New Orleans
and we were barreling' down old 17
when a man with a blinkin' red light was on our tail.
He said, 'you were doing 60 in a 45
but I'm going to let you go this time.
But, if I catch you again, I'm going to slap you in the county jail.'
We said, 'thank you, sir. You've sure been nice
and you ain't gonna have to tell us twice.'
And we were southbound and down with the wind blowin' in our faces.

We kept on rollin' and pretty soon
the radio was cookin' out a Haggard tune
and we were pulling into Houston and checking out all them places.
I was feelin' dry and I said 'I think
we oughtta stop and get ourselves a drink.'
And ole Jim said, 'yeah, 'cause we got time to kill.'

We kept on rollin' and I seen this spot.
We pulled into the parking lot
of this place called The Cloud 9 Bar and Grill.
We walked through the door and the place was jammed
the lights were low and they had a punk rock band
and some orange-haired fellow singin' 'bout suicide.

I said, 'Jim, this ain't our kind of place.'
He said, 'well, let's just have one round anyways.'
So, against my better judgment we walked on inside.
Went up to the bar and we set down
and this fellow walked up and said, 'I'll buy this round.'
And he sat down on the barstool next to Jim.

He looked like a girl but he talked like a guy.
Had lipstick on and mascara in his eye
And everybody in that place looked just about like him.
I said, 'Jim, this ain't our kind of bar.
Let's just go on out and get back in the car.
'cause there's going to be trouble. Ain't no sense in takin' a chance.'

We was gettin' up and gettin' ready to leave
when somebody grabbed ole Jim by the sleeve.
Was this good-looking girl. She was askin' my buddy to dance.
I said, 'Jim don't do it. There's somethin' missin'.
There's fellows dancin' and fellows kissin'.
There's a fellow in high-heeled shoes wearing panty hose.'

He said, 'partner, I just can't turn this down
You just go over there and have one more round
and I'll dance with the lady and we'll get on down the road.'
So, he walked away and left me alone
and this funny-lookin' fellow kept comin' on
and he was makin' me mad with some of the things he said.

And then he put his hand on my knee
I said, 'if you don't get your paw off me
I'm gonna locate your nose round on the side of your head.'
He said, 'I love it when you get that fire in your eyes.'
I said, 'well, partner, try this on for size.'
And I unloaded on him and he went out like a light.

Everybody in that place must have been his friend.
They all headed for me. I said, 'this is the end
but where I come from we don't give up without a fight.'
They was screamin' and yellin' and scratchin' and clawin'
I was punchin' and hittin' and kickin' and pawin'.
I was holdin' my own 'cause I've been in a scrap or two.

Ole Jim come runnin' up out of the blue
and that gal he was with come runnin' up, too,
and proceeded to beat on me with a high-heeled shoe.
I grabbed her by the hair, it came off in my hand
and that beautiful girl was just a beautiful man
and ole Jim just got sick right there on the floor.

He dropped that dude like a shot from a gun
Smeared his lipstick, made his makeup run.

THEN ME AND OLE JIM STARTED FIGHTIN' OUR WAY TO THE DOOR.

Man, we lit out of there in that chevrolet.
I put her on the floor and it stayed that way.
We were goin' down the highway doin' about 110.

We was headed for home and we was gettin' near
when a red light came on the rear view mirror
and that same blame cop was pullin' us over again.

Well, I'm sittin' here in this county jail.
Had to call my daddy to go our bail
but I learned me a lesson that I never will forget again.

I done give up drinkin', I've give up bars
and runnin' round the country in suped up cars.
Goin' back where the women are women and the men are men.
"
"Mr. Scott, we're veering off course."
"I knew we shoulda got the front end aligned."
"Scotty, auxilary engineering has been commandeered by a bunch of young hoodlums. Think you can shoot a bit closer to the door?" "Mr. Scott, I think we found Paradise. Begin erasing planet's location from all memory banks."
"I burned my hand on this rose."
"Wait until you have to pay for a dozen of them."
"Dare you to touch him, captain."
"I'm not going to touch him. You touch him. Come on. Don't be a wuss."
"What, in God's name, made you want to conceive, plan and carry out such a STUPID idea as this?"
"I don't know. I was really drunk at the time."
"Pavel, I hope you find a navel you love as much as mine."
"That will be hard but I will try."