RIP-Factor
StarCrap
RIP-Factor
Mike Golden Spoofs
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WRITTEN BY: Mike Golden
TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE: Karl Stahmer
INTRO BY: joesmaname
The Savage Curtain
"Good Lord! I hope nobody smells
that one. Better go talk to Spock just in case."
"Mr. Spock, what can you tell me about this planet?" "Iron/nickle core roughly the size of 1.537 that of Earth, gravity within expectations, no intelligent life that our sensors can detect."
"Hmmm."
"AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR." "Hello, friends. Looking to trade in your old, beat up starship? Then come down to Honest Abe's Emporium. Our selection of new and used starships can't be beat. Our special this week is a mint condition 2250 J class starship. One owner and that was a little old lady that only flew it to Rigel on Sunday. So, if you're in the market for a new starship, Drop by Honest Abe's Emporium just off the Telarian Asteroid Beltway." "That sounds like a great deal. Helm, set course for the Telarian Asteroid Belt."
"I just hope this isn't some elaborate rouse by a new species of alien." "Closing in on Honest Abe's Emporium." "Of course we don't wear anything underneath, laddy. You try finding underwear that goes with plaid."
"Yes, I could get a good price for this baby." "We're hoping to trade her in on something more compact. Maybe with racing stripes along the exterior hull." "What kind of deal can you give us?"
"Well, she's a bit beat up."
"I'll even throw in Lt. Uhura to sweeten the deal."
"Would you like coffee, tea or milk?"
"Don't see why you want to sell the Enterprise. She's a good ship." "We might can get better. We're beaming down to close the deal."
"Enterprise, come in. Do you copy?" "Does anyone hear Captain Kirk?"
"Nope, not me."
"This is my chief mechanic."
"And this is the REAL reason why you're here." "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. I felt it in my bones." "You will fight to the death these four people. The most evil in the universe."
"Abdullah al-Sharif, Muslim fundamentalist." "Ben Bentson, Republican." "Holly Willmire, former high school cheerleader who practiced sexual perversion beyond imagination. And liked it."
"And Phil Moorstein, corporate lawyer." "I don't know about you, doctor, but my money's on the lawyer." "I know you want a better life for yourself and your children. It's tough today to make ends meet. But, the Republican Tax Incentive can put more money in your pocket."
"Go on." "Me kill you with bomb."
"That's not a bomb. It's a rock."
"Me kill you with rock."
"I think that ole boy is a few ants shy of a picnic."
"Speaking of which, I'm hungry."
"You didn't happen to bring something to eat, did you?" "There's a pizzaria just over that ridge." "Hey, you scum!"
"Hold it. Let's hear them out."
"What do you want on your Tombstone?"
"Well, of all the nerve." "I can remember when I was a boy in Kentucky and we'd go frog gigging." "What does that have to do with us?"
"Nothing. I'm just here for atmosphere." "You bore me. I'm sending you back." "I've never been so proud to be human."