Mike Golden Spoofs
WRITTEN BY: Mike Golden
INTRO BY: joesmaname
That Which Survives
You're moving to another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey through a wonderous land whose boundaries are that of the imagination. You've just crossed over into. . .
"Helm, standard orbit." Meet James Tiberius Kirk. Currently, captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise. A man whose fondest wish in life is to boldly go where no man has gone before.
But, what Captain Kirk doesn't know is that there is a downside to exploring the vast unknown of the universe. But, he won't have to go looking for the unknown today. Even now, one of those unknowns has graciously seen fit to come to him. It's coming to him from one of the darker and more remote regions of. . . the Twilight Zone.
"Me and the misses have been getting along great now that she's thirty light years away." "Oh, no you don't, Bill Shatner. You're not getting away from me that easily."
"What did you say your job was again?" "I'm the whiner." "How did we get so bloody far from the planet, Mr. Spock?"
"Bloody women drivers. Ay, Mr. Spock?" "Mr. Scott, I believe there is an unmanned engineering station over there with your name on it."
"A little privacy, if you don't mind, gentlemen." "Mr. Sulu, if you want to report something, stop talking into your tricorder." "Someday, I'm going to find gold on one of these God-forsaken rocks then I am out of here."
"You have been close to Bill Shatner. Let me touch you." "No pulse, no heartbeat no respirtory activity. My considered opinion is this man is dead." "This is spooky. Aren't we the only people here?"
"Yes. It's like something out of the Twilight Zone." "So, you want to go out later?"
"I'm old enough to be your mother."
"I was very close to, uh, ummm. . . ."
"D'Amato, sir." "Hi, is Bill Shatner around? I'm his cousin from Canada." "Mr. Scott, I just talked to a woman looking for somebody named Bill Shatner. Said she was his cousin from Canada."
"Hmm, if she is referring to the captain, I believe he is from Iowa, not Canada."
"Same bloody thing, Mr. Spock."
::Coyote howls in distance:: "Halt! Who goes there?"
"I need to see Bill Shatner. I need to tell him that I love him." "Stop or I'll shoot the ground again." "What I wouldn't give for a little duct tape right now."
20 minutes later. . .
"Let's see. Is it 32 to the left and 45 to the right or 45 to the left and 32 to the right?" "AK! Maybe it's 16 to the left and 32 to the right." "At long last we meet, Bill."
"I don't know who you think I am but my name's not Bill. It's James T. Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise."
"But, Bill, I love you. And I know that once you get to know me that you'll grow to love me, too." "Lady, you're nuts." "Yeah, Get A Life."
"I want to marry you. I know we'll be very happy together." "Triplets. And all three of them are nuts."
"Captain, maybe we can work something out."
"Phaser that cube."
"I don't see how that'll help but you're the boss."
"Phasering that cube snapped her back to reality."
"I hope she stays on THAT side of
the TV screen from now on."
"Goodbye, Bill. I will always love you."
Exit James T. Kirk who discovered that some unknowns are better left just that. An object lesson brought to you through the courtesy of. . . The Twilight Zone.