Mike Golden Spoofs
WRITTEN BY: Mike Golden
INTRO BY: joesmaname
The Tholian Web
"It's the Flying Dutchman of outer space."
"Sounds like a bad 1950s scifi flick."
"Why, oh, why did I have that third bowl of chili?" "Looks as though they killed each other."
"Look how they're laying. Maybe they were lovers."
"I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. My nose itches." "I canna bring you all back at once, cap'n. The Duracells have completely discharged." "Cossak! You killed my brother Piotr."
"Sleep." "Thanks to Mr. Sulu's Shao Lin training we have averted disaster." "That's either a Tholian ship or the biggest suppository I've ever seen."
"Guess who's coming to dinner." "My regular shampoo just doesn't have what it takes to give my hair the bounce and shine it needs." "I pulled out a booger that looked like that once."
****Three hours later. ****Eight hours later still.
"Oh, my. How will we ever escape?"
"We are gathered here today to pay tribute to our lost captain. If anyone has to go to the restroom, a seat filler will take your place until you return."
"Don't worry, Uhura. I know some ancient asian sex techniques that will help you with your grief." "Well, he's not going to be needing this now. I know he always wanted me to have it." "Bones, Spock, if you're watching this it means I'm dead. Or lost or in a coma or maybe I finally got my head together and said, "to Hell" with the whole thing and found myself a nice, quiet planet somewhere."
"Uhura!" "Oh, my God! It's the lamest Hollywood cliché. The black person sees the ghost." "Hey, Uhura. Come here."
"You don't think much of me, do you?" "Is that what I think it is?"
"He's trying to say something."
"Don't eat yellow snow."
"I hope he forgets about that twenty bucks I owe him." "Cap'n, I just saw the cap'n and I'm feeling very conflicted."
"You're alright, Uhura. We saw the captain, too. And your pap smear turned out fine." "Spock, throw me a lifesaver."
"We're all out. I have some Jolly Ranchers, though."
"It was amazing. The only thing missing was a green chick."